My life the country song ...

As much as I love country songs (NOT) I feel like I am living in one at the moment. I thought that I was getting over Jenn, but alas I am not. This past week as been one stream of memories, reflections of what might have been and general self flagellation. I can't even escape in sleep because she haunts my dreams with ideas of us being back together. My personal mantra during the day is Taylor Swifts song "we are never ever getting back together." But, I'm pretty sure if she came strolling back into my life right now I would probably take her back. If you read my last blog entry you probably noticed that I mentioned how Jenn has broken me. During the month of August I tried (unsuccessfully) to date. Each and every date seemed to be fine from my perspective, but all the women said they felt I was distant or they didn't connect with me. Now I know that not everyone would be a good match and that connections have to go both ways, but I also know that I didn't have this problem with EVERYONE I met before Jenn came along and monkeyed with my emotions. I know that I am a lot less open emotionally now than before Jenn and perhaps that is part of my issue with making new connections ... Well I'll leave it there and ponder life some more.

Back Story etc.

So this idea came to me last night as I was lying awake in bed generally feeling shitty about life et al. I said to myself "Steve, you should write down what you are feeling because you haven't been doing a bang up job getting out of your funk by keeping quiet." So here I am blogging. I figure that if there is even the slightest possibility someone reads this and sympathizes then maybe I'll feel better ... eventually. Now onto the proposed back story. Up until a few months ago (July 9th to be precise) I was engaged and happily so. I had a beautiful fiancé and what looked to be a good future ahead. We had been engaged for about a year and a half and I suggested when we got engaged that we should wait until we had both finished our masters programs and were ready to start our lives past school. Jenn agreed. Fast forward to July 9th, we had just met the sudo-planner and were firming up the last few details for our wedding on August 15th. We were sitting on the grass outside my parents house and she says "do you really want to get married?" I said I did and she said well she didn't she was young and wanted to go out and date and generally make use of her feminine whiles some more. So she called off the engagement and moved out all in the same day. Now after this crushing blow I saw and talked with Jenn a couple times each time more and more of her general bitchiness was revealed. Prior to our break up she had expressed interest in pre-marriage counseling. I was also interested, but with other life events happening I never got around to booking it (notice I was the one that needed to book it although it was her idea). So I booked a session thinking we could at least attempt to work through any doubts/issues she/we had. Nope! She told me flat out that we could go, but if she was asked to change anything about herself she wouldn't. It also came out that after the two of us working out for 7 months that she was feeling good with her body image and wanted to get out and date again because she was so good looking. Other things came out as well including the fact that she knew from the start of our engagement that she didn't want to marry me. However, she was just being nice. Now I could be wrong, but leading a guy on for a year and a half instead of saying no from the start certainly doesn't seem "nice." In those months of engagement I met many nice women and made several friends. Being in education I was the odd man out gender wise. Some of the women were single some were married, but those things didn't matter because I had found my match ... One of Jenn's parting words to me was "don't think of our time together as a waste." Why the hell not is my reply now. I have been reflecting on all of those missed opportunities while I wasted my time with Jenn. Now that I am free of her though I am broken in a way. I spent so much time and love on her that I can't seem to connect with anyone else anymore. I'm going to wrap up this entry with a warning. If you are dating a girl named Jenn (two n's) ask her if she was ever engaged before. I considered putting her last name up on here, but for now I won't go that far. It's unique enough that future employers or whoever would probably stumble on this blog and while I think she is a bitch I don't want to ruin her life much like she has ruined mine (at least for the moment). Perhaps she will have changed by the time you read this, but if it is still 2012 don't count on it.